Stories told in a single sentence. From here:
When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she’s a funeral director.
As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting.
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that “WTF” means “Wow, That’s Funny” and has been using it all over the internet.
The worst thing about secret girlfriends is that when they get hit by cars you’re not supposed to cry.
It was the perfect revenge, until I came home and the cops were already waiting for me.
My atheist neighbor has helped more people in the past year than my entire congregation has in the past ten.
I conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.
My online dating service matched me with my cousin.
My friend Bob loved his vinyl records so much that he used to obsess about which ones to save if his house caught fire but when it actually happened he chose his girlfriend instead.
It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.